IT CAN BE well and good to understand why anger exists. But we are still left with the questions: What’s a person to do when anger comes on? Is it proper to let it all out and get it out of one’s system, as some experts suggest? Should a person close himself in the nearest closest and scream at the top of his lungs? Or should a person try to keep anger from being expressed at all, and try to show extra love and patience instead? The answer to these questions is: “It all depends.”
There is no one correct way to handle anger. Obviously the circumstances are going to have an influence on how one chooses to deal with anger. For example. a crowded elevator is not exactly the best place to let it all out when you are angry with your spouse. Nor is it usually wise to explode with pent-up hostility toward a boss who is hurrying down the hall to a meeting. In some cases it might be proper to simply drop the anger and move on to something else, while at other times it may be appropriate to speak boldly and firmly.
There are three general styles in which people can handle anger: suppression, expression, and release. Each can be dangerous in its own way. So we need to look closely at each of these three to determine how it fits into a pattern of proper anger.
SUPPRESSED ANGER:
Many people are afraid of anger and try to avoid it at all costs. When the emotion surfaces they do t heir best to pretend it is not there. Their reasoning is that if one ignores anger it will go away. To these people, anger is an ugly wolf. It is something terribly destructive. Most of these people either have been taught openly to avoid anger or have learned through bitter experience how painful anger can be.
Suppression is a form of denial. If a person denies that he is angry, then he feels no obligation to deal with his anger. The problem is solved. Naturally this is a dangerous method of handling anger. Suppression have its short-team rewards, but in the long run suppressed anger is usually especially powerful and bitter. By suppressing it, a person is pushing anger from the conscious to the subconscious. There it can fester and worsen without that person’s knowledge.
Once anger is pushed into the subconscious mind, the emotion is out of that person’s immediate control. In fact, when it is “out of sight” a person may become convinced that he is free from anger. Not so! Whenever you hear a person state that he never gets angry you can be assured that he is suppressing his anger. Religious people are especially prone to this since they assume anger is unchristian. How wrong this can be! These are are the people who are prone to sit piously in judgment over others. These are the people who may surprise everyone from nowhere! The truth is that suppression and Christianity don’t mix well..
Suppressed anger is virtually never desirable. No emotion can be dealt with properly by simply “forgetting” it. Forgetting and suppression are not one and the same. If one truly forgets something it is out of the mind. It one suppresses something is it out of the conscious mind, but it still remains active in the subconscious mind.
EXPRESSED ANGER:
We are living in a day and age when it is increasingly popular to get feelings out in the open. “Express yourself” was the cry of the late twentieth century. Volumes have been written about saying whatever is on your mind and getting what you have coming to you. We have witnessed one special-interest group after another angrily and unashamedly demanding its rights. As a culture, Americans have lost any sense of bashfulness. The prevailing mood is that if you have been offended, get angry! Certainly we are in a period where it is acceptable, even fashionable, to “let it all hang out.”
This expressive mood could be fine if people knew what they were doing. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Therefore, when people express anger, that expression may be correct or incorrect, depending on the level of sensitivity to others. Nonetheless, expressed anger is anger that is communicated outwardly.
Anger is not always expressed verbally. It can be expressed through behavior. Well over half of all communication is done through nonverbal means. Nonverbal expressions of anger can include a stern look, a slam of door, ignoring someone, crying or giving a cold glare. There are an infinite number of ways to express anger. Imagination is the only limit to the number of ways this emotion can be communicated.
Because people are so capable of expressing anger in a destructive way, certain guidelines should be followed to make anger works for us instead of against us:
- Be sure that when you express you do not attempt to establish your own superiority. This could cause the recipient of your anger to harbor resentment. The more resentment the recipient feels, the more he will become wrapped up in his own defenses. This means that you won’t be listened to or understood. It can create a battle of one-upmanship. Speak to others, therefore, with the understanding that you are of equal value.
- Make sure that your anger has a constructive anger. Anger expressed for the sake of meanness is just going to create an atmosphere that will breed more anger. Remember, anger is a God-given emotion that is to be used as a building tool, not a wrecking ball. Ask yourself: “Will the expression of my thoughts and feelings enhance this relationship?”
- Be aware of the responsiveness of the recipient. That is, make sure the other party knows what to do with what you have to say. Sometimes you will find people who are never ready to listen to you. At that point you will need to decide whether it is best to go ahead and express yourself or to drop the subject. Remember that a primary goal of expressing anger is an improved relationship.
- Consider the feelings and circumstances of the recipient. There will be times when your anger be completely correct, but you will not be able to communicate it constructively due to the mindset of the other person. Most wives have learned that it is better to unload the frustrations of their day on their husbands after the husbands have had a little while to sit down from a long day’s work. People who express anger appropriately consider the need to use good timing.
Knowing when and how to express anger is the key. And just because it is sometimes correct to let it out doesn’t mean that it is always correct. Sensitivity is the main trait that a angry person needs to hold on to.
RELEAASED ANGER:
Released anger refers to anger that is dismissed, or let go. It is not to be confused with suppressed anger. Suppressed anger is simply pushed into the subconscious mind. But when anger is released, the person had made the conscious decision that anger is no longer need and it is therefore dropped. People can gain the ability to release anger only after they first gain some mastery of the art of expressing anger. After anger has served its purpose, the mature individual will have enough sense to let go of it.
Very little has been written about dismissing anger. It doesn’t get the publicity that goes to the topic of expressing anger. But there always will be instances when the best way to handle anger is to release it. For example, there are some people who will never change their ways. When this is the case it is best not to waste emotional energy on them. We all can probably think of someone who has never cared for anyone’s feelings probably never will. Repeated attempts to constructively express anger can leave us depleted if we have no other means of managing the emotion.
The idea of being able to let go of anger confuses some people. They question their ability to turn off their feelings like a faucet. They may conclude that it is impossible to decide to not have a particular feeling. To be sure, we are not able to invite our feelings to come and go as we see fit. Releasing anger, however, is not akin to ignoring the emotion. Instead, you can look at this option as an appeal to higher priorities. As you recognize that anger can detract from your quality of life, you can choose to move away from your aggravations.
All sane human beings are capable of getting their feelings under control. If anger is too strong it is possible for a person to calm down by using will power. Likewise, when assertiveness has run its course, it is reasonable to cease pushing the issue. People who say they can’t control their anger actually won’t control it. By allowing anger to reign supreme they are choosing to be untamed and rebellious. The people who remain constant slaves to anger are those who refuse to accept the responsibility for deciding their own destiny.
Sometimes it feels unnatural to control anger. Our tendency is to hold on to anger for prolonged periods of time. If someone has wronged us, we want him to suffer. Hanging on to anger is a good way to make someone squirm and feel as if he is on the hot seat. But if we remember the cautious the Bible uses in instructing us on anger, we will admit there are too many times when anger causes harm than good.
One of the things that makes it difficult to release anger is people’s reluctance to face reality. The reality is that some people are going to do what they want regardless of anyone else’s emotions. People committed to managing anger appropriately understand that they cannot force their preferences onto others. They learn to discern when the other person is incapable or unwilling to cooperate, and they make alternative plans to become inwardly stable.
Understanding the three general ways of handling anger makes it possible for you to examine your patterns of dealing with anger. Certainly it is not always best to express anger. There are times when that would do more harm than good. It definitely is not best to try to suppress anger so that it is merely out of the conscious mind. And there are times when it is right and times when it is wrong to release it. We each need to come up with our own personalized game plan for how we will handle anger. The better control we have over it, the more anger will work in our favor. Every anger-provoking situation is unique, meaning that careful thought is required in the midst of each circumstance.
Are you a thinker or do you simply let your impulses have control?
