BEARDS, BODY HAIR AND BOUNDARIES
“Mamma, when will I have a beard like papa? Why is your chest squishy and dad’s hard” — If you have a curious pre-schooler, chances are you have been stunned by many such questions. As the child gets older, the queries get tricker.
Most of us remember how embarrassed or shocked we were when we first saw hair growing ‘down there’. Some of us thought there was something wrong with us and only later figured that it was completely normal. We surely don’t want our kids to go through the same, do we? As a parent, it is our responsibility to help your children grow up with clarity and confidence. While most parents have now become conscious of the need to prep girls for their first period, moms and dads often forget to equip their boys for changes they will see, or feel, as they grow into young men. Let’s not make that mistake.
There is no correct age for talking to boys about the changes they will go through at puberty. Many parents wait for their son to ask a question, but that is not ideal. You need to talk to your son even if he hasn’t asked you anything. Not asking does not mean your child is eager to know. Kids are curious about everything — why we poop, why there are boogers in the nostril and how farts are produced in the body. It is natural for them to wonder about other parts/functions of the human body too. Some kids start asking ‘awkward’ questions the moment they learn to talk, others get curious about the difference between the male and female body when they are six or seven years old.
Whatever you say to your son should be devoid of moral judgment. We don’t feel it is ‘wrong’ for our kids to wonder about poop, so why should we consider it ‘wrong’ to ask about pubic hair or hard-ons. We need to answer our kids honestly and in easy-to-understand language. Remember, puberty is a very confusing phase for children. It is important that you equip your child for this transition, so they don’t have to depend on the internet or friends to understand what is happening.
BEARD, BICEPS, AND MORE:
It is a good idea to have a chat with your son on Saturday or Sunday when both of you are relaxed. Call him to see you or your spouse shave and tell him, “Do you know one day you will also have hair on your face?” It is as simple as that. Use this opportunity to talk about facial hair growth and other puberty changes because of a gland in the pituitary gland. This gland releases the hormones in the body which causes different parts of the body to grow and develop. The phase of growing up from a boy to a man is called puberty. Tell your son that his shoulders will widen, his muscles will get bigger, voice will get deeper, pimples may appear on his face and sweat glands will get more active leading to body odor. Tell him that hair will also start growing on his face, underarms, and near his genitals. Make it a point to mention that just like everyone has different height, hair growth also varies and that it is perfectly normal to have thick or sparse hair on the face. Add that the amount of hair one has on the face is not an indication of one’s manliness.
This is not a one-time conversation. You will have to have multiple chats over t he years and add more information and when you deem appropriate. Tell your son that the size of his penis and testicles will increase gradually as he grows and that the penis can get stiff, swollen and point upwards. Sometimes this may happen randomly (in the classroom or while sleeping) and at other times it may be due to excitement or stimulation. Boys usually experience their first wet dream between the age of 10 and 13 because the body starts to produce semen then. Your son may come to you saying there is something wet and sticky on his pants. Tell him t his is nightfall which is a natural occurrence in males. It is an involuntary ejaculation which happens because of a sexual dream or friction within bedsheets. Tell him this is not something to worry about and the frequency will reduce with age. Also tell your child that the size of the penis is different for different people. It may also be slightly bent or curved but this makes no difference to the natural functioning of the organ. Make sure you tell them that the penis shape or size has nothing to do with being macho.
NO SHAME-SHAME:
Every time you chat with your son about puberty changes, reiterate that there is nothing to be embarrassed about and that everyone goes through the same. The dad may want to share a bit about his own puberty phase. Or you may use a story book or comic to help you explain.
Tell your son that it is normal to have sexual thoughts and dreams. Advise him to distract his mind by listening to music, reading books, or going out to play. Tell your son that masturbation is not ‘dirty’ and that it does not cause any physical harm. But it should be a private affair. Just like we go to the washroom to do this. If you find that your son is spending too much time in the washroom or that it is interfering in his studies or extra-curricular activities, you may want to have another chat. Say that when there is a feeling of pleasure, we humans have a tendency of overdoing it but that is not a good thing. Just like watching too much TV or eating too much junk food affects our health, overdoing this too can have a negative impact on our life. Moreover, this can eat into precious time which should be spent studying or playing. Encourage your son to pick up a hobby to fill his free time. But remind him that he need not feel guilty if he can’t help himself.
NO SCORN FOR PORN:
These days, most kids end up seeing pornographic content by the time they are 10. Do not say things like, “you are a bad boy if you watch porn.” You simply need to have a discussion about it and inform the child that porn is something staged and that it does not reflect what happens between males and females sexually. It is important to say this so they have a healthier relationship with their female teachers, classmates, and future romantic partners.
Tell your child that there are some media that are good for our mindset and some which are not good even if they are entertaining. Tell them about the downside of watching porn, who makes it and how they want to get us addicted so they can earn from viewership. Make it clear that porn viewing or masturbation are nothing to boast about.
LAW OF ATTRACTION:
When you familiarize your son with changes his body will go through, it is also important for you to tell him about the changes girls go through. Tell them about menstruation and other physical changes that girls experience. Tell them that girls often experience pain and discomfort through their period and we should help out girls if required.
Parents should tell their son as a result of hormonal changes, they may feel attracted toward girls. Tell them this is normal but it is not advisable to keep staring or try to touch the girl. Moreover, tell them just like they have to ask a friend if they wish to borrow an eraser, they would need to ask a girl if they wish to hold her hand. It is important to introduce the concept of consent at an early age. Also emphasize that if someone refuses or says ‘no’ to their request, they must respect their decision. When you are watching a movie together as a family and there is a scene showing someone harassing a girl, don’t change the channel. Use it to talk to your son about respecting people’s boundaries.
