UNDERSTANDING THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MATTER.
I’m a serious advocate of marriage, once the couple has said their vows, they must take them seriously. In a country where arranged marriages are more the trend than marriage by choice, it falls upon parents to prepare the couple for the life ahead together as individuals committed to each other. Also, since most marriages are arranged, couples rely on parents to sort out trivial and more serious issues which may crop between them. Two many heads within the marriage is like too many cooks.
MAKING THE DECISION:
When the couple decides to marry, either by choice or by arrangement of their parents, they must realize that they are embarking on a permanent journey of life, and this journey begins now with this new person. Life until now was parents and siblings, people you never needed to adjust with, but grew up with. Now a new entrant must be involved, it is the way of life.
THE NEW ENTRANT:
The new entrant in your life is your spouse. The spouse, like you, comes with a set of values ingrained since childhood and which he ore she will carry beyond the legal age of maturity. These values will not change just because the person is married. To expect change in values is remiss on the part of any individual expecting it. The new entrant also comes with a family and bonds. Nobody can, will this away! No man can expect a woman to forget her maternal home and immerse herself in his family and their other expectations of her, and vice-versa.
To make sure that there are no surprises, it is best that the couple talk to each other and must be clear on certain issues and talk about them extensively until they understand the extent and limitations of them.
WHAT ARE THE VALUES DEEPLY ROOTED:
Each person comes from a background of set values and has come to hold them dearly. Therefore, it is important to make sure that these values are shared and held important by the other person too. An example would be the joint family system. Both should agree on it, or disagree on it, because it has been noticed that marriages fail when there is no consensus upon it.
Recently, I met a couple who lived within the joint family fold for six years after they married. After facing problems living like that, they decided to move to an apartment and begin a unitary family life. But the acrimony built up was so much from breaking away from the joint family that it did not work. Finally, they decided on a divorce.
AMBITIONS AND ASPIRATIONS FOR THE FUTURE:
It’s important that the couple feel and respect the pace of ambition in their spouse. If one spouse is too laid back, then the other feels aggrieved. Therefore, it helps greatly if the couple, before marriage, talk about it. Discuss the pace at which one wants to grow, how much time a person spends working, and have a clear picture of how much time they will get together, and how they will manage time and their career when they plan to start a family. These decisions cannot be not thought out because the person stepping back will always feel a lacuna. It has to be time managed, and both partners should get their fair chance at growth.
THE COUPLE MUST CECK IF THEIR AMBITION AND ASPIRATION SCALES MATCH:
Though couples do have dreams that are similar, they may not have the scale to match them. It could be that the wife will rise early, set the home in order, proceed to work, get a game going in the evening, bring homework, and be on the computer doing that.
But her husband could be a rich guy, who needs to just direct a few people about the day’s business, and he is free and bored waiting for his wife to finish work and enjoy the night together. He may feel it is unnecessary for his wife to work that hard. But she may want to build her own success, feel the path as she rises. This could cause problems in their life. Better to talk about how hard one likes to work and to what end.
CAREER TRJECTORY AS THEY RAISE THEIR FAMILY:
So, which among the two will take the back seat, and then after a year return to the job to forge ahead in their career? Obviously,, the woman will offer to take the first step back, as she is the natural carer. There needs to be a blueprint for such situations, and with a little adjustment, these situations can be handled.
FAMILIAL RESPONSIBILITY SHOULD BE CHALKED OUT CLEARLY:
When a couple marries, they are not just responsible for themselves. Neither should they expect too much from their parents. It’s best to iron out what kind of responsibilities they will have to bear. When parents are sick, when parents need a financial bailout, when a sibling needs a place of comfort, and such.
ANY ODDITIES IN THEM OR THEIR FAMIY MUST BE REVEALED:
Certain families have an illness strain, or they may have a relative who is overbearing, or they may have a yearly gathering of extended families, or relatives who are orthodox beyond reason. These things should be mentioned to the spouse so they have a grip on the events to follow.
TRADITIONAL, MODERN, OR BLENDED PATH?
This is a challenge these days, especially with the joint family system failing. A couple is often let not knowing how much to forgo of tradition and within what parameters to stay within. It’s better that the couple be able to speak their minds clearly. Especially working people need to keep up with the Joneses, and it’s best to know about each other’s commitment level to traditionality or modernity.
THE EXTENT OF RITUALS AND MONEY SPENT ON SUCH OCCASIONS SHOULD BE DISCUSSED:
The couple must commit themselves to be considerate in spending for their wedding. It is the most important day of their life, and the other celebrations before and after. So, if the expenses and expectations are beyond reasonability, the first grouse in the marriage begins there.
FOOD PLAYS A VITAL ROLE IN PEOPLE’S LIVES:
The couple must discuss food in length. Vegetarianisms, veganism, lactose intolerance, anything about food that one feels strongly about must be said clearly. The cuisines they love, the particularly in taste. Food is an everyday affair, and when one spouse is casual about food and the other is overly particular, it will be a daily disaster. The couple needs to sync their preferences and tastes. This is one area where too many differences can cause a problem.
HOW AND HOW MUCH TO SPEND ON PERSONAL CELEBRATIONS LIKE ANIVERSARIES AND BIRTHDAYS SHOULD BE DISCUSSED:
Some families do not celebrate birthdays, while others do, and make it personal and sweet. Anniversaries just come and go for some. So, coming from different backgrounds, just talk about how these occasions are to be celebrated and how you both will like to mark the day in your special way.
CORE IDEALS, WHICH CANNOT BE COMPROMISED SHOULD BE MENTIONED AND MADE CLEAR TO EACH OTHER:
For example, some people consider perfumes just a spray, while others cannot do without a certain brand, or they have a fetish for shoes. Some people love visiting temples in any city they visit, etc. It is important for the other person to be prepared, and to know what follows, and to allow joint expenses for it.
HYGIENE:
Hygiene is the next most important issue in a marriage. The couple must live with one another, so a stinky mouth, unwashed feet, delayed laundry, and such can cause disharmony in a marriage. It is so important that this must be discussed before entering matrimony.
Marriage is an important step in a person’s life, and day-to-day needs and preferences play the most significant role in its harmony.
The couple must realize that the little things are the ones that will define the basis of their marriage compatibility. The more important decisions like a career trajectory and step back, with a growing family should be well discussed and thought out and put into effect enduringly, otherwise, sourness creeps into unbalanced feelings.
There are more things to consider, centric to every individual, but these are some pointers here, which I have noticed in my research. All the best, to those who are soon to be married, to those who have been married for years, and if these pointers help to resolve or understand where the friction starts, and to be able to resolve them. Also, to these couples pass their prime years together, they can dwell and assess what they can pass on as wisdom from these pointers.
