As LOVE SUPERSEDES anger to become central to the personality, it is then possible to go forward with the steps needed to insure a lifestyle of composure. By being composed, a person is in control of his emotions rather than having the emotions in control of him. He can make rational decisions regarding how anger will be handled. He is able to discern whether his anger is being expressed assertively or aggressively. A composed person is not necessarily free from anger. That is not even the goal. Rather, a composed person lives life in as constructive way as possible. Emotions are very much a part of this lifestyle. They add the spice to life.
If you are like most, your loss of composure often adheres to habitual patterns. For instance, as a parent, you may be able to recall similar experiences of losing your cool when met by a youth’s disagreeable response. Your words were unnecessarily harsh, perhaps shaming or invalidating. Or you may have a habit of speaking to a spouse in an unbending, blaming tone of voice. Your message may have been valid, but the lack of composure generated only defensive and combative responses.
One of the most common experiences for any human is to lose a grip on himself in the midst of an emotional experience, particularly when the emotion is anger. Things can be said or done that are totally out of character. After the experience is over, there can be feelings of guilt and embarrassment.
In order to keep these types of experiences from happening, a person needs to have a plan of action for his life. it is best to think things out in advance so a person can make use of his God-given ability to control his emotions. That way. our emotions will work for us, not against us. Would you be willing to develop a plan to minimize harsh anger?
SET YOUR PRIORITIES IN LIFE:
Angry people usually have the goal of making other people live up to their expectations. They may say that their first priority is to be a good husband, a good wife, or a good Christian. But through their behavior, they are showing what they really want.
The age-old question of the philosophers is: “What is life all about?” Christians have the perfect answer. To live is to know God. Therefore, the first priority is to get to know God and to become absorbed in his love. The second priority is a direct result from following the first. That is, we are to do our best to help others know the love of God. The rest of a person’s priorities will all hinge on these two. An angry person needs to ask himself, “Is my anger helping me to meet these two priorities in life?” If the anger is then considered consistent with these goals, express it. If it is not, release it.
DEVELOP A SENSE OF SELF-WORTH:
One’s emotional life will always reflect his self-image. People who have poor self-image are guaranteed to have problems with anger. They will have either open, biting anger or passive-aggressive anger. Depression and anxiety can be included as expressions of anger. Usually when people have problems with controlling anger, it is a signal that their self-image is maladjusted. More than likely, there is too much dependence on others to make these people feel good. Since no person is perfect, no person is able to give another a complete sense of self-worth.
Self-worth is based on the love given to us by God. When God sees our sinful ways, he does not reject us. He loves us even more. Every human being is like a precious jewel to God. He wishes harm on no one. A person who gains a deep appreciation for this awesome love can be assured of a positive self-image. If God is for us, that’s enough.
HAVE A SERVANT’S HEART:
Once a person knows the love of God, he can focus on giving that love others. This in turn can guarantee that his emotional needs will be met, since we receive by giving. Most angry people are too concerned with what they are going to get from others. They worry about getting recognition, appreciation, and rewards. There is nothing necessary wrong with these things. But most want too much, or they want it now. Impatience gets the best of them.
Rather than waiting for people to give to them, these people would do better to initiate the giving. However, the opposite is usually also true. That is, these people aren’t being very understanding themselves. If they would give, they might receive. This doesn’t mean that we should give in order to receive. Even if we receive nothing, giving is still worthwhile. It can lead to a feeling of contentment.
RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN LIMITATIONS:
Angry people can be very demanding. Very often they demand things of others that they are not even capable of doing themselves. Very often in anger, there is a certain sense of grandiosity. It is as though the angry person has the right to get angry because he has completed conquered all his problems. On the other hand, it is very rare to find a man who knows true humility and yet explodes in constant anger. The more a person recognizes his own imperfections, the more careful he will be in expressing anger. When he does express anger, he tries to express it as constructively as if he were on the receiving end.
ACCEPT IMPERFECTION IN OTHERS:
This step is easy to say, but hard to do. To be honest, some people can be so hard to live with that it is difficult to have an accepting attitude. But accepting someone does not mean condoning his behavior. It is possible to love a person without liking what he does.
Family members have particular trouble with accepting the weakness in one another. After all, they can’t just excuse themselves and leave each time a weakness shows in a loved one. Sometimes there is nowhere to go. They often feel trapped with someone who has wrong behaviors! In situations like this, it takes a huge amount of determination to accept the one who is hard to live with. This is when it is vitally important to remind oneself that the goal in life is not to make others fit a certain mold. If other people are going to make changes, they need to feel the freedom to make their own choices. Knowing they have acceptance from loved ones can be a positive motivator. This may not always work, but it is preferable to a life of constant haggling and frustration.
DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET:
There is no one human being who can give another human everything he needs. Many people have had a complete emotional collapse because of one person who has let them down. Anyone who allows his emotional stability to hang by a single thread is asking for trouble. How many people try to gain satisfaction from one person. It’s great, if it can last forever.
Many angry outbursts are due to the problem of putting too much dependence on one person. If that one person does not live correctly, pandemonium erupts! The most secure people are those who have several support systems at once. That way, if there is a lull or a disturbance in one, there is a cushion to fall back on.
LET OTHERS LOVE YOU:
Countless people have uttered the complaint, “You just don’t love me.” A few of these people are correct, but most of them suffer from poor perception. What they really are saying is, “You don’t love me the way I want you to love me.” If the love is not exactly on their terms they want to have nothing to do with it. “It’s “my way or no way.”
Each person has a different background. That means that each person has a different set of experiences to draw upon. What may be unloving to some may be loving to others.
It takes as much skill to know how to receive love as it does to give it. To be realistic, some people are not very good at giving love. But just because they do not show love in a perfect way doesn’t mean it should be rejected.
BE YOUR OWN PERSON:
Recall that anger is a person’s way of standing up for his own beliefs and convictions. The reason so many people have trouble with anger is that they want others to confirm them. They look to others to give an agreeing nod or an affirmative word. When they don’t get it, they feel cheated. Anger is their way of expressing immature hurt.
Adults have the ability to live independent lives. That is, they can choose to feel good about themselves regardless of what others say, think, or do. This is consistent with the thought that every person needs to be responsible for himself. God has given each person a sense of willpower. Determination to live a responsible life is the real key to success.
Too often, people allow their circumstances to control them because they feel weak. They allow their feelings rather than willpower to be the guide. There are times when it is appropriate to determine to press ahead in spite of what the feelings say. This doesn’t mean that feelings are useless and should be ignored. It means that people would do best to use some rational thinking before letting their feelings go helter-skelter. This will enable persons to rise above negative circumstances and be what they choose to be.
DO FAVORS FOR YOURSELF:
No one was ever intended to have to live the life of a martyr. Too often anger directed at other people is incorrect, since the angry person is doing nothing to help himself. All people need to give themselves permission to be “selfish.” That is, there are times when no one knows what you need better than you do. So rather than waiting on someone else to do a favor for you, do one for yourself! It can be a lot of fun.
But others are such appeasers that they do not allow for personal initiatives. When done properly and moderately, self-favors can help a person come to a sense of satisfaction, knowing he can positively affect his own moods.
LEARN THE ART OF BEING TACTFUL:
Many people place themselves in volatile situations because of a loose tongue. Too often people who have good intentions get themselves in difficulties because they say things the wrong way. It is sometimes hard to allow for the fact that communication involves two people. These two people each have separate needs and separate blessings. For communication to be successful, the needs of both must be considered.
Also, honesty is not always the best policy. Since love is the guide in communication with people, it makes sense that people should extra precautions to say things in as loving a way as possible.
It would be nice to proclaim that all a person has to do to have a happy life is to follow these few easy steps for living. But that would be naive. All people are imperfect. This means that no person will ever completely be able to live a totally pure life. But we can keep on trying! Even though we won’t reach perfection in this life, we still have the responsibility to get as close to it as possible.
