Communicating with teens can be a task. Suggests we adopt the penguin love language.
How would you feel if someone gifted you little stones? Not the precious, semi-precious, measured-in-carat type stone. Actual pebbles! Very pleased! I would say, if you are a Gentoo Penguin in Antarctica because that’s how they demonstrate their affection and engage in courtship ritual. These adorable creatures, in their natural tuxedo look, gives gifts of little stones and pebbles to their preferred mate which they then use to build their nests. Adorable and practical — a clear win in my book when it comes to gifting. This penguin love language has found its way to human lexicon through the term ‘pebbling’ which was adopted by the neurodivergent community to express the unique, often non-verbal ways of demonstrating their affection and love. This term has now crept into teen-speak and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the zillion gifs and links to funny videos my teen shares with me is called pebbling. He was demonstrating his love for me by sharing these and effectively saying — “Ma, I thought of you when I saw this. I think this will make you laugh” or “I laughed so hard at this, I want to share it with you.”
So, when your pre-teen, teen, or young adult shares forwards, links, memes, gifs with you, know that you are loved and thought of it with much affection. They are pebbling with you. And, there is a good chance, you have been pebbling right back — when you shared that article you thought they would love, the song that reminded you of them or that meme you shared on the family chat group knowing well that it would definitely evoke eye roll emojis from your teen.
Many of us unconsciously worry about the teen phase and those who are in throes of it will probably exclaim ” And with good reason.” This season of our teen’s life could be marked by sullen silences, brevity — of sentences, and even more in terms of the time they spend with us — conflict and confusion. One feels so overwhelmed that it is easy to lose sight of the young one who is beset by confusion, troubled by their hormones, and emotions. Masked behind messy (read, cool!) hairstyles and baggy clothes is still our little one. They continue to need us and the reassurance that we are in their corner, have their back. It may not be apparent, but they still long for our warmth, love, and connection.
As your child transitions to adulthood, one of the first things that most often takes a hit is communication. Some days it can seem like we can’t say anything right. No matter how carefully we think and phrase a sentence, conflict or perceived injustice is waiting in the wings. They retort rudely and storm off to their room or to a friend’s place. while we drown in doubt, anger and sometimes, guilt. Then your phone rings. You see an emoji that signals to you that a white flag is being raised. It may even be an unrelated meme. They are calling for a truce. It’s the tech savvy equivalent of coming to the dinner table and joining the family for a meal.
The best part is, you could respond later with “I would love for us to talk calmly about what happened.” And there is a good chance you will receive a nonchalant ‘K’. Because typing the additional ‘O’ makes you such a “boomer”! Now, it is up to us whether we get all indignant with what we perceive as nonchalance or seize that opportunity. Over some messages, you both can figure out whether the drive to football class is the best time to have the chat or would they prefer to do it on WhatsApp or iMessage. Participants at our workshops share that a lot of meaningful exchanges with their teens happen over email or chat.
I recall the day when my son and I were eating breakfast and I just said his name to initiate a conversation. He huffed noisily and said, “What now? You want me to do my homework and study immediately after this? I will. And no, I won’t shower now a nd I am not going to cut my hair. I like it the way it is.” and proceeded to take his plate and walk away. Thankfully, I was calm that day and after I regained my bearings, I sent him a gif. It was my gesture to say there were no hard feelings from my side. He sent one back. All was well in our world again!
When children are not too faraway from teen hood, start thinking of activities to do together as growing up. “Sometimes that’s the only way to bond with them. So find a sport or hobby that you could enjoy together.” To this, download the social media app they are on (after a discussion so they are ok with you following them there) as this helps us be a part of their universe and they can share whatever is exciting them at the moment. This may require us to step out of our comfort zone; resistance is natural. But make that effort. The interests our children develop, the music they choose, what they play — whether on the playground, or in the virtual world, the kind of books they may read or movies they may pick, the activities they want to do — all give us glimpses into the person they are blossoming into. It can be easy to dismiss it all and sigh “Well, my child is on her phone, all day long.” Yes, but what is she engaging with? As a parent you have a responsibility to monitor what your teenager is consuming and it will also give you insights into their world like nothing else. Make an effort and read up about the series they like to binge watch on and off-day, if you don’t want to watch together, so you can discuss it with them. Ask them to send you a trailer clip. Ask them about the K-Pop band they are crazy about. When they send you a link to the latest release, remember, they are pebbling — they are saying “I see that you are interested in my life and I am going to share more.” You can build on this pebbling and make a cozy nest!
Every one of us has a love language. If you haven’t done it already, head to https://5lovelanguages.com/ and take a free quiz to determine what’s yours and your child’s. Once you figure out how best your child feels loved, your pebbling can get even more focused. It can move to real-life pebbling where you send them a voucher to go see a movie with a friend as a surprise, or write them a note or letter that you tuck into their bag, or make them a lemonade when they’re back from a sweaty game and least expecting it. You may even want to spend an evening in a gaming arcade where they can teach you the games or head for a quiet walk in their favorite part of the city. You know your child best!
I think when we strip it to its bare bones, pebbling is all about letting someone we love know that we care about them, we are thinking about them and demonstrating in our own special way. We know when your child spams you with memes, talks to you online only in gifs or even communicates primarily only through text messages, it can be exasperating. But, when better than now to put on the pebbling lens and look at it like the gift we receive and aren’t quite sure we like. It grows on you and then you realize, it’s actually a really nice gift. Most importantly, the giver was thinking about how much you come to enjoy it because they really love you.
