Sugar thief Johnny becomes the poster boy for lying and parents keep reminding kids that honesty is the best policy. But kids still lie. And sometimes they also catch parents lying.
If one asked parents to list the values they wish to teach their children, honesty would certainly top list. This is why parents tends tend to feel very upset when their kids lie, be it innocent fibs or elaborate fabrications. As adults we often rationalize lying but when children do it, it scares us as they are growing up to define their own moral compass.
In order to help your child, you need to first understand why kids lie and why it is normal. In fact, lying is a development milestone. Around the age of two or three years, kids realize that parents aren’t mind readers so they can say things which are not true without the parent knowing. It is natural for them to test the waters after that. Little ones may lie to gain their attention and kids over five may start to lie to avoid punishment or gain approval. If your child comes up to you and says I didn’t get homework today, chances are that they simply want more time for playing or goofing around.
Pre-teens begin to have a better cognitive function and understand that they might get into trouble for their actions which can induce shame and guilt. They may lie to escape punishment or to shield themselves from feelings of shame. This is particularly common when they feel that they have done something wrong but fear a negative reaction from parents. Once they become teens, their behavior is highly influenced by their peer group and friends. They might exaggerate their accomplishments in front of their friends or opposite gender to seem cool and hide their explorations from parents to avoid judgment.
In Indian families, elders tend to react strongly to lies by shaming the child for being a bad boy or girl. This does not help solve the problem and may even make the child hide their behavior in the future.
Keep the following in mind:-
Stay calm:
It is natural to feel disappointed and even shocked when you realize your kid has lied. But your reaction will determine what happens in a similar situation next time, so stay quiet and process your thoughts before you react.
Do not dramatize:
It is not wise to overreact, call your child a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and shout, “Is this what I have taught you?” or “You have failed me”. It takes time for kids to understand what is right and what is not, so don’t be fast to judge or label and make big statements. A calm mind and understanding approach can reduce the fear and shame that often lead to more lying. Focus on teaching the child rather than blaming and guilt-tripping. Instead, be understanding and say something like “My feelings of love and support for you will not lessen even if you decide to tell me the truth. I might feel upset for a moment, but I know you have a reason behind the lie and I would like to know it.”
Find the cause:
Ask open-ended questions like, “Why did you feel you had to say that?” or “What were you hoping would happen if you told that story?” Understanding the underlying motivation can help you deal with the behavior better.
Not all lies are the same:
It is vital for you to determine what kind of lie your child has told so you can react accordingly. If your child has simply exaggerated to make the story more interesting or gain attention. It is quite different from telling a serious lie that is meant to deceive for personal gain. Not all lies carry the same weight, and parents can use discretion in deciding how to respond based on the situation. They may tell a child that sometimes it is okay to tell a white lie to stop a situation from escalating. This does not mean that you are encouraging lying. You are simply creating a safe space for your child to come and confide in you.
Praise the confession:
If the child has admitted to lying, appreciate them. Coming out clean is not easy, so irrespective of how you feel about the lie, tell her/him that you are glad that he/she has been honest with you. This will encourage the child to continue being truthful in the future. Reinforcing the idea that honesty is the right choice helps build trust and character.
No public display of anger:
If you feel your kid is lying to create an impression, don’t rat them out publicly. Take them aside and ask, “Did you do this so you could feel like you belonged to the group?” and encourage the child to find their own tribe where they are accepted for who they are and don’t feel obliged to make up stories.
Create a code:
Creating a special cue with your child which will mean that the child wants you to hear them out completely without interrupting or judging. For example, if the parent asks the child about homework and the child says ‘bubble’, the parent knows the child wants to tell the truth but wants you to understand that they didn’t do homework because they lost track of time while playing. These cues become even more useful when the kid enters teens and wants a space to discuss their adventures.
Reward honesty:
Do not punish your child for lying. Research has found that punishments teach kids to lie better, not less. If you consistently reward kids for being honest, your child is less likely to lie as they grow older. So, the net time your little one breaks a vase with her football and runs to tell you about it, don’t shout. Tell her it is okay and ask her to be a little more careful next time.
Seek help:
If your child lies consistently or shows signs of fear or anxiety, turn to a child psychologist. Sometimes children keep secrets about serious issues because they fear they will be punished if they tell.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR KID CATCHES YOU LYING:
It is understandable for kids to be confused when they see their parents lying. They begin to question what they have been taught. For example, a parent may have lied about facing a financial crisis to protect the child from stress or may have omitted mentioning that they went out for an ice-cream after the kid slept to avoid a scene. While these lies are generally harmless in nature, they can backfire if a child discovers the truth. The child may feel betrayed, face a moral dilemma or stop trusting the parent.
It is important to acknowledge and accept that you lied, and it was not okay. Don’t try to minimize the situation by saying, “He deserved that lie” or “You are a child, don’t question me”. Instead explain why you lied to your boss being sick but add that you know what you did was wrong and that you feel bad for not speaking the truth. Remember, you may want your child to think you are perfect, but it is better for your child to know you are a normal human who can make mistakes and that you too struggle to do the right thing sometimes.
