The ‘boys will be boys’ dictum may only end up perpetuating a cycle of patriarchy What we can do to raise our sons right.
It is rare for parents and educators to talk to kids about these topics. Many parents, in fact, hide the newspaper from their little ones on days when the headlines scream rape, fearing the questions it will lead to.
But can we afford to do this anymore? The recent spate of sexual violence has triggered a debate on the need to work on prevention of crimes. The slogan ‘sirf beti mat bachao, bete ko sikhao’ (don’t just save your daughters, teach your sons) has been echoing across the country.
YouTube video on ‘Solutions to India’s Rape Crisis’, she had pointed out that India was looking for solutions in the wrong places. “Laws do not deter crime, they only punish the criminal. To cure anything, you need to first address the cause. So, we need to talk to our boys if we want to prevent the crimes in the first place.”
If boys grow up with a healthy respect for the other gender, they will not even think, let alone behave, in an inappropriate manner, who stresses the need for parents to start educating their sons from early on. “It is not a button you switch on when your son is a six-foot tall teenager. If you want your son to treat girls well, protect them and not be a perpetrator of crime, start teaching them when they are five years old.”
PAMPERED BOY SYNDROME:-
One of the first changes parents need to make at home is to treat their sons and daughters as equals. We should tell boys what’s right and wrong rather than always telling girls what to do. “Male chauvinism” persists and that nothing would change till children are taught about equality.
One of the factors that leads to boys thinking they are the superior gender and acting disrespectfully towards women is over-pampering, adding that Indians tend to be too lenient with their kids, especially boys.
EARLY EXPOSURE TO PORN:-
Easy and early access to porn is another concern. Studies have found that more than 75% of child abusers and rapists had early exposure to porn or violent media, often before the age of 10. “I think parents don’t realize that when they give access to phones what all the kids end up watching.”
CONSENT EDUCATION:-
Indian parents are so shy to even mention the word ‘sex’ in front of their children that talking about consent is out of question. Our biggest failure as a society is not taking consent education seriously. “Consent is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Teaching this simple concept could possibly prevent countless sexual assaults and empower an entire generation.”
They need consent not only for sexual situations, but at every point in their daily lives, be it for borrowing a friend’s pencil, hugging someone or sharing a classmate’s photo online.
Through non-governmental organizations and individuals like Kish have been trying to impart sexuality and consent education, their reach is limited. That’s why experts believe consent education should be made part of the school curriculum and every parent must make it a priority at home too. “Biology lessons cover reproduction and school counsellors talk to kids about unsafe touch but we are not teaching kids, especially boys, to be sensitive and kind to fellow beings.”
“Such lessons in humanity” should be made mandatory so boys respect boundaries and don’t forcibly kiss their girlfriends or slap a girl’s bottom at a bar.
LEARNING TO ACCEPT NO:-
The countless cases of spurned men rapping and murdering girls — an engineering student from Lucknow was raped in a moving vehicle last week by a college senior whose advances she rejected — also reiterate the need to teach boys to take ‘no’ for an answer. Men are unable to handle rejection because these ‘raja betas’ have never heard no when they were growing up. “If a man has never heard ‘no’ in his regular interaction at home, it becomes a big deal and hurts his ego if a girl rejects him.” Parents should make it a point to say no to kids sometimes and also explain why they are saying no so kids understand reasoning and rationale and learn to be reasonable when they grow up.
DON’T BE DADDY COOL:-
Dads should be particularly mindful of the example they are setting for their sons. In a bid to have the cool dad vibe and to bond with their sons, dads often end up saying things like “this is your age to explore” or bragging about the multiple girlfriends they had when they were younger which sets the wrong goals for boys. “You are dating girls, not collecting them. Girls are not things to be collected so there is nothing to brag about. It is not an ego thing.”
“How a man treats his wife, female neighbors and even maids at home, leaves an impression on his son’s mind. Even bitching about your female boss or saying that the colleague who got promoted over you must have slept her way up is not cool. Using sexist language has become very casual — men crack jokes not realizing that they are influencing the next generation.”
Dads who want their sons to grow up to be good men and good partners who think and behave with sensitivity and kindness, should be good role models.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY TO YOUR SON WHEN HE IS STEPPING OUT:-
- Don’t stare at girls on the street or at college or pass comments on how they look. How would you feel if someone does the same to you or your sister? You may compliment a female friend in a respectful way, but commenting on a girl you don’t know is not right.
- Have a good day at the office or school, but know that there will be girls who will do better than you and rise faster than you. It’s fine. There is no need to be angry. Accept it gracefully.
- Going on a date? Remember, just because a girl has agreed to go out for dinner or drinks with you does not mean she is okay to kiss or be intimate. Consent is critical. Drop her home safely and ensure you are respectful and responsible.
- I know you like that girl and she doesn’t like you back. It’s ok, move on. You can’t force someone to feel love. She has a right to have her own choices. Don’t take it as a personal rejection. Accept it, we are here for you.
- Late-night party with girls? Please ensure you boys behave, be responsible for the girl’s safety and make sure you get them home safely. Keep all emergency numbers handy.
- Set the right example for your friends and don’t hesitate in standing up for what is right.
WHERE PARENTS ARE GOING WRONG:-
- Maintaining an information blackout about the body and sexuality leads to stigma and a sense of shame. It also discourages a healthy relationship with one’s own body.
- Some parents become physically or verbally violent when boys express questions with regards to sexuality and changes in their body.
- When parents and educators mete out violent punishments, boys learn violent behavior and also the idea of revenge which feeds into a culture of violence.
- Discouraging mixed gender friendships and scaring kids of different genders away from each other.
WHAT THEY CAN DO:-
- Refrain from raising your hand. Kids learn from what they see, so show them love, kindness, and care.
- Don’t brush off questions. Help your sons navigate their curiosities and confusions about the different things they hear and learn from different people. Answer them if they ask about the current protests or the meaning of sexual violence or rape.
- Be the trusted adult they can approach and have open discussions with. Use age-appropriate, gentle and safe approach so they don’t feel scared.
WE NEED TO PROTECT BOYS TOO:-
Girls will not be safe if we don’t protect our boys. “When a child’s first exposure to sex is rape then rape becomes normalized as sex for them.” “We know that the rapist caused the rape, but we also need to ask ourselves what caused the rapist?” Just like parents protect their girls, they should protect their boys too. “We need to have the same conversations about safety with our boys as well.”
