As old methods of discipline don’t work anymore, parents are learning newer, gentler ways to get their kids to behave.
“Silence works better than shouting. Taking a time-out, moving away, and kids understand that Mommy meant business.”
Discipline has become the number one stressor for parents as they stive to make their children behave in the ‘right manner’ without losing it and without resorting to nagging, scolding or spanking. While generations of Indians have grown up receiving “one tight slap” and many still joke about how their mummy’s chappal opened all their chakras in one shot, they don’t want to employ the same methods with their children for a host of reasons. One, it simply doesn’t work anymore — today’s children don’t react well to being scolded or slapped. They may scream or even hit the parent back and vow to do the opposite of what is expected. Two, the parents are now more aware, thanks to research and their own experiences, that harsh punishments can leave scars that run deep and even shatter the child’s confidence.
Parents are, therefore, trying to learn new, more gentle, techniques to discipline their kids. But it’s a daily battle. “I belong to a time where we were brought to a time where we are brought up differently. We didn’t question our parents but now we are questioned for everything. We have to be careful and use the right words as we don’t want to trigger them and yet we want to intelligently manage to get the work done. I am constantly trying to be smarter than my son.”
“One tight hug” often works better than ‘one tight slap’. Parenting experts believe that the current generation of children does not take being scolded or being made to do uthak-baithak because they are more intelligent, aware, evolved, and, in some cases, more entitled too. “There is a major change in the social fabric. Earlier we used to live in a joint set-up and kids were just a part of the parent’s lives while the focus was on earning. Now, in a nuclear set-up, everything revolves around the child. The children realize that they can get whatever they want. So, obviously they are shocked at being reprimanded.”
“We are empowering our kids much more than we were empowered as kids. We give them a choice; we ask their opinion on a lot of things. But while we give freedom and autonomy, we also want to control them. Obviously, they will question us.”
Screen time is one of most common causes for a rift between parents and children. “Seven out of 10 parents approach me because they don’t want their children to see the mobile beyond a point but are unable to enforce screen discipline.”
PUNISHED TODAY, SCARRED FOREVER:-
While a majority of parents are now moving towards gentle and positive disciple techniques, a small section still believes the adage ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ and claims that nothing works like a whack. “The Curious Parent’ feels these parents are deceiving themselves. “Parents who boast that ‘dekho main ek lagaya aur woh chup kar gaya,’ don’t realize that through the behavior stops at that point in front of them, it comes out in some other form at some other time.”
Hitting does not help and rather leads to long-term mental health concerns (low confidence, anxiety) and also normalizes violence. Fear is also not an ideal tool to discipline if we want to raise confident, resislient, and well-adjusted children. “Fear is an emotion that one can get used to. Eventually, the child becomes rebellious and does want to listen to you anymore.”
Even parents who hit do know in their heart they are doing something wrong and that’s why they are consumed by guilt. “The moment a parent has slapped, they start justifying it to other adults present or wait for the spouse to return to list the child’s faults.” Counsellors typically ask parents to admit their mistake and apologize to the child in such situations.
SPARE THE ROD, BEFRIEND THE CHILD:-
Parenting experts believe the first step to effective discipline lies in understanding the child. “When we understand children’s brains, it becomes a little easier to discipline them because we become a little more realistic and understand where behaviors are coming from.” It is important for parents to know that children cannot regulate emotions and that tantrums are part of development.
“If you are expecting a child to do something that his age does not allow, then it is not a discipline issue.” “Children start looking bigger around at the age of six or seven. Their milk teeth fall. But between the first milk teeth falling and all permanent teeth coming, there is a journey of six years to grow. We tend to forget this and expect children to behave in a mature manner.”
“Telling your child to do something is unlikely to work. But kids are observing things around them. Parents can shape the environment that shapes the child.” 80% of parenting is about leading by example, especially leading by example, especially when it comes to younger kids.”
For today’s adolescents and teens, experts suggest giving timeout or e-grounding the child – denying access to WIFI — as a deterrent. Parents also have to use trial and error to find the right ways to discipline depending on the unique personality of their child.
Parents feel that staying calm while discipling is very challenging. Parents identify their own triggers to beat anger, “Whenever your child refuses to have milk, you don’t slap the child. Usually, you encourage, do a countdown or tell a story to get the glass finished. But the day you have faced trouble at work or when you have had a fight with your spouse, you lose it when the child is fussy.”
Practice an appropriate response. Chances are you may remember this when you do face this situation at home.
