As children, we’re told not to talk to strangers. But now you’re an adult, it’s time to forget that, because having a chat with someone you don’t know could change your whole day.
It could be said that everything that we know about the power of chatting to a stranger started with a hot dog lady.
Dr. Gillian Sandstrom was a young doctorate student studying in Canada, when she’d regularly visit a hot dog stand on the university campus. Over time, she and the woman who worked on the hot-dog stand struck up a connection.
“I started nodding and smiling at the lady, and, when she responded, even just that small connection made feel seen, safe and part of the campus community at a time when I was pretty stressed.” The positive impact of her own experience led her to study the effect of simple social interactions, like a quick chat with the barista making your coffee.
She found that people were roughly 17 percent happier on the days when they struck up a chat over the hiss of the cappuccino machine, or said hi to a neighbor in the hallway. “My work and that of others clearly shows that talking to strangers puts you in a more positive mood.” It also makes you trusting of other people which, I think, makes the world feel a little friendlier and safer.”
The reason for this is simple. People need people. We need to feel connected, even for just a few seconds — and the more people we do this, the merrier. People who interact within more different relationship levels –ranging from friends, family/partners, colleagues and strangers — through the day are happier than those with a less broad mix of interactions.
And, while you might not associate any extra spring in your step down to a chat you had with your barista this morning, other benefits from interacting with strangers are more tangible. Canvasing stories for this article we heard about job offers, savings on hotels and new friendships that all came from interactions with strangers. “For me the big benefit is that it makes me more open-minded.” People have expressed their views on aliens, politics, the afterlife and parenting — they talk about everything.
THE PROBLEM IS many of us find the idea striking up a conversation with strangers tricky — perhaps even a bit scary. “Humans have a core primal fear of rejection and so, even thou logically you know nothing too bad could happen from just striking up a conversation with a stranger, a part of you is scared of getting hurt doing it.” Plus, the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ advice you’re given in childhood makes you almost feel like you’re doing something wrong by chatting to someone you don’t know — but don’t let messages from the past hold you back.”
The good news is, the rejections we fear most, rarely happen. Only 10% percent of approaches weren’t reciprocated.
Even better, when the team checked in with the converser who had been spoken to, they found they had enjoyed the impromptu chat as much as the instigator.
The more often you approach people the easier it becomes. “Repetition was key to success.” The less worried they felt about being rejected — and more confident they became in their ability to start and maintain a conversation.” And this change in attitude didn’t take long either — just a week of regularly starting chats with people was enough.
As for where to find people to chat to, it’s been calculated that we meet 11 to 16 casual acquaintances a day that we could talk to if we chose, or that we could talk to if we chose, or you can seek out encounters.
Dr Sandstrom sets up a Stranger Scavenger Hunt. She gives volunteers a list of different characteristics — like someone wearing a hat, drinking coffee or carrying a blue bag — and asks her volunteers to find and chat to at least one person the list every day for a week.
Why not create your own version of that list and try and achieve at least one interaction a day?
Sometimes through you might feel particularly drawn to chat to someone, and those are encounters you really need to pursue.
Some people might say that’s coincidence but I don’t think there’s such a thing as coincidence.” Opportunities to speak to people we need to connect with are put in front of us all the time, we just don’t always recognize them.”
So if you feel drawn to chat with a stranger, perhaps it’s actually the universe trying to tell you something. Another concern about making that first contact is knowing what to say, but even just a quick chat about the weather with your Uber driver is enough to raise the mood.
“A lot of people worry that chatting about the weather is boring or obvious but it’s almost a code for ‘are you open to chatting,’ then once you’ve made a connection you can start to ask more open-ended questions and get to know each other a bit more.
Lastly, it’s helpful to know the signs that someone might be willing to chat — these include meeting your eye when you look at them or returning a smile. And, if someone responds with extra information if you do ask them a question, you’re lucky.
“That’s a common sign of extroverts who love to chat.” And, if you’re lucky you could find sitting next.
“Everyone has a story and a different way of seeing the world and you never know who is going to teach you something by saying the one thing you need to hear right now — or even set your life on a whole new path.”
