How to deal with the end of a friendship.
Even in normal times, we gain and lose pals all the time. Adults replace 50 percent of their social circle every seven years. But how do you decide when a friendship has run its course? And, once you do, what’s the best way forward?
BE CLEAR AND ACCOUNTABLE:
The number of people who came seeking guidance in severing ties with a formerly kindred spirit. “People were saying, “I see my friends differently. Cultural and global events during the pandemic led many of us to reassess who we want in our circle.”
Beyond our conflicts over our core values, there are many reasons why people stop being friends: maybe one of you has hit a milestone (parenthood), and the other can’t relate, maybe you and your joined-at-the-hip-dorm-mate drifted apart after graduating from university; maybe your work bestie got a new job and the two of you no longer bond over office drama. No matter the context, clarity is key. “Firs, as yourself why you’re considering terminating the friendship. Next: Have you verbalized that to the other person?”
Even when you’re parting with a pal who suddenly seems to have a different worldview, let them know what’s going on. Setting boundaries was the key.
WHEN TO LET IT FADE:
Having clarity about the reasons why a friendship has ended may not dull the pain of the split, but it can provide both parties with a sense of resolution.
“Sometimes there’s nothing to say or do. The person didn’t do something that was astronomically wrong, but they triggered something inside us.” If you were ditched by childhood friends who switched schools, for instance, you might be hypersensitive to feeling abandoned, even if you can’t quite pinpoint why you were triggered.
A gradual fade can be fine — if both parties are aware it’s happening. Otherwise the question becomes: are you just avoiding the conversation because you don’t know how to navigate conflict?
Friendships can take on toxic qualities. 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men report having had an abusive pal. These friends might gaslight you, bully you, or reveal something you’ve shared in confidence. Prioritize your well-being and quietly cut ties without guilt.
FIND A SILVER LINING:
No matter how a friendship ends, it hurts to let go of someone you love.
“Human beings are attachment creatures. And grief is the flip side of love.” Struggling to accept the situation is normal. Finding something to be grateful for in the former friendship can help, and it can also stop you from fixating on what you could have done differently.
It can be hard to wase through the complex emotions that accompany this kind of upheaval, especially when you’re the person who’s been friend-dumped. It’s hard hard to feel rejected by someone who knows you intimately, and it’s hard to receive feedback, no matter how constructive. “Our ego doesn’t like it.” We feel like we’ve done something wrong like we’ve been a bad person.
All relationships, at their core, are part of how we learn and grow. If we abandon the idea of “best friends forever,” we can grasp that an ending isn’t necessarily tragic. “Take a moment to recognize how much you’ve learned from this experience, and take note of what you might want to do differently next time.
